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In my thirties I experienced a healing that
radically changed my life. This healing, which was nothing
short of miraculous, fundamentally changed my relationship
with God.
After several years of marriage, my husband
and I decided to start a family. A year passed, and we realized
conceiving children wasn’t going to be easy. Five years, thousands
of dollars, and numerous painful medical and surgical interventions
later, we made the excruciating decision to give up the dream
of pregnancy. It is hard to describe what it was like to endure
endless monthly cycles of hope, elation and devastation.
We asked God to heal me many times. I confessed
my sins (Jas 5:16), prayed to be “fruitful and multiply”(Lev
26), and studied Scripture (Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel 1 became
a favorite). Friends, family and church leaders prayed for
me (Jas 5:14-15). I followed advice about what to think, speak
or pray to receive healing, along with tips on how to get
pregnant. More than once I was asked if I had sin in my life
or if I lacked faith. The insinuation that this was my fault
only intensified my sorrow.
Over time I began to believe I had a right
to be healed. Unwed girls who didn’t deserve or couldn’t afford
a baby got pregnant all the time. Why not me? I couldn’t understand
why I suffered. One especially difficult afternoon I decided
to throw in the towel with God. I told God if he couldn’t
give me a baby, he either wasn’t powerful or he was just plain
mean.
Before dumping God I thought I should read the
Bible one more time. I angrily turned to the Gospel of John.
As I read, I was irritated by the miracles Jesus did for these
people but not for me. In John 6, I was intrigued by the crowd
of thousands who followed Jesus because of the free lunch
they’d received. Jesus challenged the people not to “work
for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures
for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you” (Jn
6:27). The crowd became increasingly agitated as Jesus explained
he was that Bread of Life.
At the culmination of this encounter, John 6:66
says, “Because of this many of his disciples turned back and
no longer went about with him.” I chided the crowd for deserting
Jesus after all he had done for them, and I imagined Jesus’
sadness at losing these followers. Then I read, “So Jesus
asked the twelve, ‘Do you also wish to go away?’ Simon Peter
answered him, ‘Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words
of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you
are the Holy One of God’” (Jn 6:67-69).
A lightning bolt shot through my mind. Like
the crowd, I wanted a bread-maker, vending-machine God. I
thought happiness would come if God gave me what I wanted.
I began to understand that Jesus had already given me everything
I would ever need. When he took the punishment on the cross
for my wrongdoing, he gave me spiritual food that endures
forever. Weeping, I concurred with Peter, “Jesus, I know who
you are!”
Though I never conceived a child, I was healed
that day. I discovered a profound truth: Jesus loves me. He
let me suffer so I would search for him. Through suffering,
I grasped what Jesus suffered for me by dying on the cross.
He gave me total commitment and asked me to do the same—to
take up my cross and follow him, to lay down my life so he
could give me a better life (Mt 16:24-27).
Jesus didn’t heal everyone when he lived on
the earth. God continues to supernaturally heal some but not
others (see Shelly, pp. 6–14, Diggins, pp. 34–36). He also
heals through the natural healing processes he gave our bodies
and through health care. In his sovereignty, God chooses to
heal or not to heal to accomplish his purposes.
But even though physical healing may not occur,
God offers spiritual healing to all (Jn 3:16-17). This healing
is impossible for us to achieve on our own. He freely gives
this healing to all who admit they are sinners, believe Jesus
Christ died and rose again to forgive their sin, and pray
and invite Jesus into their lives (Jn 1:12).
That is real healing. —KSS.
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